Turning a loss into a win

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A reminder that a relapse is never a loss, but an opportunity to get stronger. With a bit of retroactive analysis, we can turn a loss into a win. There is a reason, a hidden flawed logic or excuse that drove the relapse, and if we can tease it out, we can get one step closer to avoiding it next time around.

A retroactive analysis entails going back in time to the moment before the relapse, and listing out all the reasons you made excuses to use porn. So an example might be “Oh well, I won’t know what to do with myself unless I use porn.” or “this is the only chance I will get all day to be alone so might as well do it.”

Once we have written the statements out onto paper, it’s easier to see them for what they are, a misguided excuse. It’s also possible here at this step to write out alternative endings to these thoughts, so that next time you have a better truth waiting to knock the excuse out of the park. So a reply to the examples above might be “I don’t know what to do with myself, but that does not mean there is nothing to do, I just need to find something that I enjoy. There are a million things for me to do.” or “This is my only chance today, but that just means I have free time to enjoy myself or get outside and get some fresh air.”

Breaking the link at this point can lead to less relapses over time. It’s a simple way to shed some light on an otherwise unconscious process that drives the addictive pattern. For more info on this process check out my 2013 blog post (wow 10 years ago!!) on the topic. It’s a bit old but has all the magic you need: Identifying Triggers

Be well. 🙏🏻

A Synthetic Intimacy

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“Fear is the great enemy of intimacy. Fear makes us run away from each other or cling to each other but does not create true intimacy.” —Henri Nouwen

Remember that p*rn is a form of substitive intimacy. It is a synthetic intimacy. It may feel like the real thing, it may produce some of the brain chemicals that you need to live a happy life, but it’s ultimately not real. And when the post clarity kicks in, you realize this without fail. You are alone, there is no one to hold after it’s done, no one to share real intimacy with.

Seek out real intimacy. Seek out authentic interactions. Be true to yourself and walk your path without fear. No one can do this for you. No one can do what you can do. Find people, other real people. Be your best self, in whatever form that takes. Get mixed up, fuck up, learn from it, and go back again. The only important lesson of life is that the lessons never stop coming. So go out there and shine.

Working with compulsive objectification

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“The more you objectify them, the more they become objects”

It’s a simple quote that I’ve come up with, but explains a whole lot about how the brain operates. What is applied to the mind, the mind will follow into that shape. But how to reverse the process is a bit more tricky. In my experience from mindfulness and meditation, there are several ways to counteract the force of intrusive sexual objectification around strangers or loved ones.

1. Become mindful of the process: when you find yourself objecting someone, remind yourself of the quote and don’t judge yourself. Just be aware that you’re objecting and let it be as it is. It helps strengthen the pre-frontal cortex and breaks the cycle of objectification over time.

2. Apply an appointment force by meditating in your free time. This meditation on equality is very powerful for undoing the habitual sexually objectifying mind, and re-engages our humanity:

Equanimity Meditation

3. Look away: it might seem super simple and brain dead… But it does work. If all else fails, looking away is an option, or excusing yourself from the situation. If you’re applying the other strategies in this blog post, remember that you are not running away, you are just retreating to come back stronger next time.

4. Looking at smiling faces: the power of gazing upon smiling faces for healing has been known for quite some time. The Mona Lisa comes to my mind immediately. Check out some of these:

Female Faces and Smiling Faces

I hope that this can help some of you out there. It’s one of the most stressful side effects of porn addiction, and can discourage those just starting on their journey into recovery.

Have a wonderful day from Building the New, and remember: you’re alive!

Rebuilding self esteem after p**n addiction

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Something I’ve been working on recently is specifically to rebuild my self esteem post p**n addiction. We all know how debilitating it can be to suffer from this addiction and our self esteem is not spared from the damage.

In a series of videos Dr. K (HealthyGamerGG) gives us a great road map to rebuild self esteem and re-establish confidence. I highly recommend checking them out!

How ego controls us and how to control ego

Can you have a healthy ego?

How comparison ruins your mental health (and how to stop it)

COPIUM

Happy New Year!

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Happy new year from Building The New!

Start your 2023 sober journey off right with these new and old videos!

Start a Dopamine Detox
Rebuilding your self esteem after years of p* usage
An oldie but a goodie from Reboot Nation
A reminder that recovery is a state of mind

Wishing you all the best in 2023 🙏❤️

The Porn Scale

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Harm reduction is an important and often overlooked component of addiction recovery. With porn addiction it’s pretty simple usually, you either look at porn or you don’t. But I believe that even within active porn addiction, the principles of harm reduction can be applied. The principles of harm reduction that I’m referring to here have to do with reducing the harm that porn inflicts while in active usage, while the relapse is actually happening and you’re watching porn.

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